Monday, May 2, 2011

Best of the Best

Yet another month has passed without a formal update to my loving followers, but don't worry, this will not disappoint.

I recently had the honor of escorting Berica to a concert that my brother ( bailed on going to. It was Peter, Bjorn and John aka PB&J... I didn't get it till everyone around us started chanting it midconcert. So the show was at the 930 Club, a throw back to my emo days of high school when I went to "shows" every weekend and bought CDs of bands I never heard of just to look cool. Yea, I was that girl at one point and going to this show was an awesome throw back...only difference was the tiny glass of Framboise I sipped for 7 bucks.

Post-show, it was 10 PM and we were waiting to meet our friends out so we looked around the club and saw the band signing stuff so we got in line to kill time. As we stood there chatting about the show or something, the guy in front of us turned around and told us how psyched he was that he got to meet PB&J and how he was going to get them to sign the CD he just bought. He was going on and on about how they would sign RIGHT on the CD...that still had the wrapper on it. Berica said, "You know if they sign it like that, you'll never be able to play it." He looked at us like were Einstein and said "Oh my gosh, you guys are soooo smart!" Now, at this point we should have evacuated the scene and cut our losses, but it still being 10 PM, we were intrigued and continued to talk to Bkevin and also take pictures with him and the band. Luckily, he's conveniently on the end, totally croppable.

After we chatted with the band, we decided to go the gay bar with Bkevin because he said he could get us free drinks because he was getting hit on left and right there before the show. He's what one might call a "bear" but proclaimed that he had a girlfriend, so we decided to go along, it'd be make for a good story in any case.

On the way to the gay bar, we saw a van with its back open and a strobe light and flashing colored lights along with a DJ and people dancing and hula hooping. It seemed like an open invite since most people were in the street, so we decided to stop by. We high fived everyone while hula hooping and making friends. (Later on in the night, I recognized a girl from the van and called out, "Hey Hulahoop!" and she looked at me like I was the nutto who was the one hosting the street party) Needless to say, this impromptu street party was great until someone honked at me as I tried to Skip It with the hulahoop and started into the street. It was time to hit the gay bar.

As soon as we walk in, all eyes are on Bkevin. Berica and I didn't stand a chance next to this dude. We walked upstairs and ended up befriending people that had gone to our college and we didn't know them before. It was fun, until Bkevin decided to have a heart to heart.

While leaning in with a bucket of beer, he says, "Bmelissa, are you trying to make me gay?" Now, at this point, I do realize we are in a gay bar and I wasn't planning on being hit on, but I also wasn't planning on being the source of turning a straight man gay. I've never been accused of turning a straight guy gay, but I can say, like most straight girls in college, have tried to turn a gay guy straight (not possible, just awkward). I didn't know that in a room of hot young studs, a straight guy would look past me and become gay. He then proceeded to say that I had brought him into a room of hot guys and it was just too much. Much to my chagrin, I was told I was turning a guy gay and then he didn't even get us any free drinks!

Berica and I decided to "go to the bathroom" and Bkevin followed...apparently to avoid temptation. As he walked into the men's bathroom, Berica and I peaced out. This kid was obviously confused and I had to wash my hands of single handedly changing a man's sexuality. Unfortunately, we had given him our names to send the picture of us and the band and he eventually Facebook messaged Berica berating her for the abandonment in the bathroom...go figure.

We still had another hour before people were meeting us out, so we started to walk toward food...but then the latin bar struck my fancy. The hot reggaeton beats lured me and and Berica was helpless but to follow. There was just enough room to tango and salsa, and we were the only ones game for the challenge of entertaining the table of people celebrating a birthday. Berica and I danced and twirled and got our Latina princess on for a good 20 minutes...amidst flashes from the paparazzi aka the people at the table flashing photos of two pale chicks making fools of themselves. If I've learned anything from LeeAnn Womack, it was just to dance and that we did.

By this time, we'd worked up quite an appetite and decided to visit Bill Cosby's favorite hot spot in the District...Ben's Chili Bowl. This mess was amazing. I got a hotdog with Ben's chili and it was great. Berica's turkey burger took foooorever so we ended up sitting there for a hot minute. I've always known why Cosby loved jello pudding (I mean, what naturally wriggles but doesn't lose its form? NOTHING but jello pudding!) and now I've gotten the lure of Ben's Chili Bowl. Super delish and the hottest place on a Saturday night.

After eating, it was still too early to meet up with everyone so we decided to go to the bar next door called...Bar Next Door to Ben's Chili Bowl...I kid you not.

As if we hadn't been the minority in the hipster show, the gay bar or the latin bar, we definitely were the minority in this bar. All the tables said "Reserved" but made no inclination of who they were reserved we stood at the bar and waited 10 minutes to be served. I decided earlier in the night that since Bkevin didn't work out to be Berica's husband, that I would take it upon myself to find her a fine brother to procreate with. They weren't lacking at this bar, but we were not the object of their affection. We figured this out when we saw a guy get an eyeful of some girls' rumps and he then caught us seeing him and of course he had to tell Berica that he just couldn't help it...but then ignored us. It was time for a change of scenery.

We had made our rounds of the town and it was now time to meet up with our friends. We finally find the hole in the wall bar they were at that absolutely no one knew was there and felt at home. Although not exactly like Cheers, a few people did know our names and that really counted for something after such a nutzo night.

I can now say that when I leave DC, I wouldn't have missed any of the most famous places. Although I was thoroughly disappointed that Bill wasn't at Ben's and that I didn't get the names of the people who snapped our photos in order to Facebook message THEM, I had a great time and hope Berica saw a side of the town she never knew existed!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Dear Friends...I'm Sorry

I have been super neglectful of my blog as of late, and you know that means I've been busy in the best way: hustlin' like none other. I have composed at top 15 (since it's been far too long since my last entry) of my life as of late. They all funny. Enjoy.

15. Homeless people: in the past few days, I've felt especially gifty. You know how it is, you just want to surprise your loved ones with presents, and since I'm far from my family, I've taken homeless people as my next of kin. I feel like they are all my kindred spirits because they are taking my kind of hustling to the next level. None of their money is taxed, they roam where the wind takes them, they also skip baths occasionally aka my favorite type of life. Well, in my new jobness and employment, I've decided to give back to the people who taught me the most. A homeless man sat near me while I was eating my sandwich and talking to Bpotter on my lunch break. I immediately thought, he needs something aka my apple. Now this kindly man took my apple and scampered off. I was so happy that he too felt our connection that I then tried the next day with another garbage diver who appeared to be in need of an apple. He rudely declined my other apple and looked at me like I was nutz. First off, it was a fantastic apple that I later ate. Second off, I wanted to say "Sir, you just ate a cheeto out of an open bag in the trash, this apple is clean and I just showered, take it." He was not having it. Still buzzing off my first homeless man, so I wanted to try just one more time with a man outside the failing Borders. I went in, bought some discount chocolate thinking, "This dude is about to have the best surprise!" I walk out and tell this panhandler, "I don't have any cash, but I have this chocolate that you can have!" Maybe I was too excited, or he had a bad experience as a child with a stranger in a car, but he would NOT take my chocolate. I mean c'mon. Am I that shady looking that even the homeless will not take my goods? Long story long, I'm done. We are over, homeless of DC. If you want some of my goodies ever again, you're going to have to be nicer.

14. Possible jumper- This one happened today, so it's supah fresh. Apparently I'm attracting crazy life events and this includes stumbling upon a possible jumper off the parking deck outside my building. I walked out for my usual eat alone outside time, and the cops are crawling and there is this apparent body on the ground beside the parking deck. Mess gets nutz and tons of 5 ohs run up and there is some crime scene tape. I'm like "Whoa, had I left for lunch 5 minutes earlier, I coulda been traumatized"...this isn't so much funny as shocking, so I will have to update you all when I get the final deets on this.

12. Free food- I'm starting to notice a trend amongst my few numbers thus far and that is that though I am now employed, I've become more of a moocher and vagabond than before. Someone always brings food into the office and all I can do is stuff my face for days off these bagels and apples. In addition to skeezing off this food, I've been accompanying Berica and Bhadley to a Bible study for the sole reason of obtaining free, kosher food. Protestant really are the best givers and as a Catholic, I've become the best receiver of their free food. I'm waiting to either be asked to stop eating someone's food at work or be asked to convert...both of which I may be willing to do if the price is right aka ice cream cake.

11. STD Pizza- now don't let the name fool you, the pizza has not been tested but my brother has warned me that I may have syphilis from a stranger pizza I procured on a night out. In order to make myself stop, I asked my friends to not let me take peoples' pizza anymore. We went out one night and we really craving some Jumbo Slice but didn't want to wait, so I asked a walker with a box if I could grab a bite of his pizza. At first, my girls were straight and said, "No don't do that!" Then I said, "I want it!" and they caved. As soon as I took the bite and the giver was off, I grabbed the bite out of my mouth and threw it on the ground yelling, "THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU FAILED!" So much for good friends...note to self, friends don't let friends eat possibly STD pizza....ever.

10. Contact drunk- For Lent, I've given up all drinking. It's been quite a test since I'm both Irish and Catholic, but my schoolgirl guilt has helped me stay on the straight and narrow...that and my new discovery- contact drunkenness. I have gone out a few times with people who were partaking in the sauce and I have refrained, but somehow by the end of the night, I still feel the effects. I have broken out in harmony with some R&B on the radio, talked to strangers about life, and even said hello to people in the subway, all things people do not do when they are drinking just Dr. Pepper. Perhaps it was the aspertame high from drinking a full 2 liter of diet cherry Dr. Pepper, or maybe people's BACs are transmitted through their breath, but I'm on to something. You should try it, be sober at a bar and breath, it's weird.

9. Are you...?- On the night of the infamous first B&E, I remet a person. I had done some volunteer mess at school before degreeing and met quite a few people, apparently some I did not remember. A woman reached through me and Bsarita to get a drink and had UNC on her shirt so we began talking to her about the school and she said she was in the nursing school. I said, "Whoa! I know someone in that! Do you know Nicki White?" there was a pause, a glare, and some recognition as she said, "I am Nicki White." I then stopped breathing. Now, I've made some misrecogntions in my life, but that was epic. I was very embarrassed but we ended up taking a photo up with Nicki and her boyfriend all night and it was fabulous. Nicki and I are now biffles.

8. Air mattress- What can I say? I'm living on an air mattress.

7. Sister Wives- if homelessness and slightly employed-dom doesn't work out for me, I've decided my next phase is as a sister wife. Berica and I watched "The 19th Wife" on Saturday (big night, obvi) and I realized, how great would that be? You can have a ton of kids and shirk your responsibilities on these other chicks because they believe they are their kids too. You get to wear the same outfit every day and it's not even considered a uniform. You don't have to pay for make up, a hair cut, and you get to rock the Jersey Shore bump-it look. You are automatically dating a baller because how else could he afford 19 friggin wives and tons of children? I'm not seeing a whole lot wrong with this, it all looks sound except the illegality of it.

6. Working- this is a weird topic because it goes against my beliefs, but apparently everyone does it. It is kind of nice having a pay check regularly, the downside being taxes that I won't see for another year. My job ain't all that bad and I feel like a real sort of adult now, aside from the number 8 factor.

5. An old lady- So, most people that work in my building are old, let's face it, most of the US is old now. I have to take the elevator and once I was on it with one such a lady. I was wearing an especially fuzzy coat and was feeling nice and warm. The woman noted my comfort and my jacket. She says, "That jacket looks so warm, may I pet you?" Normally, I don't mind people petting me, but it was weird to be asked prior to the action. Since I didn't know her, I was surprised at her candor, but was more than obliged to allow the pet. She was amazed by the softness, and kept the petting within a reasonable time frame. I have not seen her again, but I expect some more elevator action.

4. Loons- They are everywhere, but especially in DC. They all beat the "Rack 'Em" guy from Athens. Just saying, institutionalization couldn't have been that bad.

3. I'm not 15 anymore- So despite my keen liking for climbing trees, eating baby food, and watching an occasional Degrassi, I am no longer a child and cannot act like one. I came to this harsh conclusion recently after a riveting game of tennis with Berica. The courts were near an elementary school that included a playground. After doing a few flips on the monkey bars, climbing a tree and swinging, we went to climb on the jungle gym. It seemed simple enough, we could reach the top with ease and safely come down in just a few steps when as children, this wouldn't have been such an easy feat. As we approached a weird looking slide thing, I started to climb but missed a step due to my aging depth perception and caught my foot in a hole and as my body fell, my foot twisted and then I fell to the ground. As it turns out, I have a hairline fracture. Much to my dismay and assumption that I had tendinitis (another old person ailment), I have realized my 23 year old body is becoming brittle and it's time to face the facts: I need to start taking vitamins if I want to commit to fitness and avoid osteoporosis. was just 8 (whoa, has it been that long?) years ago I had never injured a this. Ugh old age.

2. No key- Somehow after a month of no key nor keypass to get into the apartment, I still have yet to be asked if I actually live here. I fumble in my bag, I say I left my keys upstairs, or my friend Bmark (the doorman) lets me in and somehow, I haven't been caught for not really living here. All in all, I'd say I'm the sketchiest person and fully deserved that award 3 years in a row in my sorority.

1. Razors- WARNING: faint of heart, stop reading! I had a run in with some razors the first weekend I was living with Berica and Bhadley. Maybe I'm just clumsy as #3 may allude to, or maybe I need Life Alert but I slipped in the bathtub as I was reaching for a towel and as I fell on my back, I threw my elbow out to try and catch myself but unfortunately for me, a few razors were upturned and my elbow of course fell upon them resulting in immense bleeding. I hate hate hate blood and am easily faint, so I immediately fetaled myself on the floor and tried to stop it from bleeding. Long story long and hopefully less gory, I have a righteous scar and I do not feel like shelling out $30 for Maderma to get rid of it, so I'm full open to suggestions for a better story for the scar aside from my inherent clumsiness and lack of coordination.

There you have it, the long awaited, the long winded, version of my recent life. Yes, I skipped #13, not because in addition to bone mass I'm losing my mind, but because I'm superstitious and more truthfully, couldn't think of another thing to write. Stone me for laziness if you may, but do try to enjoy the remaining 14 points!

Monday, February 21, 2011

A Few Changes

As anyone can see, I had to change this blog up a bit. After a few, real and real long months of unemployment, your girl's got a job...even though it could potentially still be considered a hustle because it's a temp position...but it's a legit desk job of sorts!

I know, I know. How do I go from sleeping like a sloth and doing the damn thing every which way I like to sitting behind a desk 9-5 doing computery things and no longer sticking it to the man by doing untaxable work? Well, a girl's gotta eat and earn that dough to get my pretty girl rock back on track. When your mom starts to notice that you haven't been showering because you "don't feel dirty," it probably means your life's heading in the wrong direction. And honestly, I could only work so many holiday stores till I realized, hey I'm not making any money!

Aside from procuring employment, I have also moved to the District to somehow start my life as a Real Housewife of DC. I think I can be a real housewife without ever having been married nor living in a house. All you gotta do is hustle and flow, right? Or maybe that's just in Atlanta.... The series kind of hit a wall in DC because they didn't have the crazy aka Melly C factor and I'm here to revamp that, from the living room of Berica and Bhadley on an air mattress. But it's not an ordinary, one layer Aero bed. This mess is nice! A double layer of gaseous pleasurable sleep, so nice.

And now that I have an income, if I play my insider trading cards right, I could quickly be rich...right? Where's Martha when you need her? I guess I'll just have to make some connects...but legit ones not from my galavants in bars that now are not happening (unless I'm wingwomaning one of mah gurls). I have been made a semi-honest woman by Bpotter, my bif, and can no longer respectably hit on dudes in suits at the bar in hopes of a loveless, money rich marriage. I'm doing some real ish that don't include collecting red heads and biracial midgets experiences.

Despite having given into the corporate world, I downloaded some sweet Weezy and Kid Cudi mixtapes off this website fo' free and so when I'm in my fancy work clothes and looking laced tighty whitey, I'm secretly rockin' out to some Lupe and Wiz Khalifa. Take that, people who shut down my Limewire!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A Day in the Life

As I venture out of my house to visit various friends, I often get asked, "Since you don't have a job or any hobbies, what do you do all day?"

At first, I was vexed as to how I spent my time. I couldn't think of a single activity that kept me busy for the 10-12 hours a day I normally stay awake. Although I do put out a few resumes a day, it takes about 20 minutes and sure, there's my recent obsession with Anthony Bourdain (you know I'm hooked since this is my second mention of the too-tanned god in my blog). I DVR his show in advance so I have an assortment to choose from when I do finally wake up at 11 AM. However, that show is only 1 hour, and when you factor in fast forwarding, it's cut down to 45 minutes. But then, if you also factor the chance I fall asleep during the episode, it's back up to an hour.

In any case, this show does not account for my time. Lately, my mom has been scheduling household chores/whatever you call it when people come and do stuff in your house. One time when I was about 13 and my brother was 16, a random cleaning lady came to our door and since we don't have a peephole, we looked out the window to see who it was. For some reason, we assumed she could not see us through the open window. She immediately began saying "I see you, I see you. Let me in! I just want to talk about these cleaning supplies for your mom!" It was traumatic and I have not looked forward to these strangers visiting my house to perform random tasks. Yet, since I don't have that much human interaction throughout the day time hours, I've tried to welcome the strangers with open arms, hoping that while they clean my carpet or install a new cable jack that they will offer me a job or their hand in marriage.

I always wonder if the guys will be the Jim Carrey type, you know, freaking weird and obsessive, or the James Franco, hot guy trying to get his acting career in order while making an extra buck cleaning carpets kind. So far I haven't seen either of these types, which is neither a blessing or a curse. But with this in mind, I ponder how I should present myself and what topics to discuss.

Though I want to have a heart to heart with these men (why are handymen always men? I'm not complaining, but it does make a sit down discussion about Oprah over crumpits hard to get into), I am met with the ultimate question of how I should treat them. Do you offer them a cold drink because of the labor intensive work they are doing or do you offer a warm drink because it's cold outside? Is it inappropriate to ask them to open jars that you can't pry open? Would it be weird to ask them to scratch a place in your back you just can't reach? So many questions and there's no Marie Claire guide for etiquette with handymen and I often feel lost in this new realm of social interaction. When I was younger, I could just hide from them but now that I've officially come of age, it's my responsibility to show them common courtesy and take the reins in explaining what needs to be done.

My first question being, do I dress up for my scheduled visitors? I often have to get out of bed before I really want to, so I'm tempted to stay in my sweats as I attempt to seduce these men into matrimony. Yet, since I'm 23, sweats seem an unfit match. They are either too old or too young for a person of my age. I'm drawn to think, what would Taylor Swift do? I'm assuming she has numerous men come into her house for various activities and that she does not wear sweats for any of them. Keeping this in mind, I've opted for jeans the past few days. As I struggle with what outfit is appropriate, I also wonder if I should put on make up.

I usually assume these people think I'm around 15, so I'm okay with not putting on my smokey eye I use for the club, but should I be putting on some sort of foundation or mascara? For some reason, I equate this situation to the one I run into when going to the gym before 4 pm (after all, any self respecting girl has a touch of blush on before 4 pm...right?).

I usually wear make up when I leave the house, but if I'm going to the gym, do I really need to waste it just to later wash it off? The same applies to the cable guy. I'm not actually leaving my house, hell, I'm barely leaving my bed, so is make up a prereq to his arrival? Again, I think, what does T Swizzle have to say? Although she inevitably has a make up artist preparing her for even the accidental encounter with the pool boy, I know she's dabbing on some lip gloss before she hits the snooze button. Since I don't have my own personal assistant handy, I take the poor girl's option and just wear last night's make up for my early morning cable call. After all, I want to look like I had fun the night before but also like I care enough to be made up.

While I sit here and write this, a solid hour has gone by and I didn't even have Anthony on in the background and I didn't take a nap. I think suffice it to say, we can all agree that today has been productive enough for me and I will now go take a nap.

I hope this answered the age old question of, "What does Melissa do?"

Thursday, January 13, 2011

New Year, Still Hustling

Apparently since my last entry, we have entered a new year. Having somehow skipped that in my blogging, I've decided to dedicate this entry to my top favorite things of this year so far. I gotta say, it's gonna take some time for the rest of the year to catch up to this past week and a half.

1. Lauryn Hill- she's making a come back, but with her old throw back hits from '98. I recently saw her in concert and despite her very apparent highness, her voice is just as sweet as it was when she was opposite Whoopi Goldberg in a habit. Though she apparently doesn't like white people, if it weren't for the 85% caucasian crowd, her own "habit" may have ended. Nevertheless, shout out to LH and much love to kicking it to the grind.

2. Snow- This is the only thing that brings those employed back to my level as they cannot attend work because of the blizzard-like conditions that we've experienced thus far in 2011. If it weren't for the snow, I'd remember each day that I still have no job and am not in school; however, with the snow, everyone becomes unemployed...and I like it.

3. Anthony Bourdain- for those of you not in the know, this old man is the hottest thing I've seen in a long time. Something about his curly gray hair and leather-like skin is so elusive, yet completely attainable. He drops the eff bomb like the A bomb on his show "No Reservations" and has stolen my heart. He gets sloshed on every episode and travels around to all these exotic places that I barely know exist. A new personal life goal- become Bourdain's Anna Nicole and get some before he kicks the basket.

4. Stray dogs- My mother surprised me with 2 pups as we apparently became foster parents to these orphan dogs. Though we cannot put them on the furniture nor bet on them in a fight, we still get to pet them and cuddle with them on the floor. I can say I've grown attached, despite their constant peeing on the floor and loud barking. It's nice to have someone at home with me during the day.

5. My hermit neighbor- this kind of goes along with number 4, but she deserves her own number. This lady once left a very mean typed note on our door about our unkempt yard, but she has somehow won a place in my heart as she has fallen in love with our orphans. She lives her life in her bathrobe and a cigarette in her hand, but she has come over twice since we got the dogs to get me to show the dogs to her friends. I have since forgiven her previous behavior as I feel sorry that our new dogs are the new joy in her life. As long as she's not typing up passive aggressive notes anymore, I'm good.

6. Clean feet- after the New Year's blow out at an open bar in Charlotte, I've really come to appreciate clean feet. People trampled on me, spilled drinks on me, and dropped food on my feet and by the end of the night, I couldn't see the tops of my feet through the bruises and dirt. After washing them, I decided I would never let them get to that level again. Therefore, clean feet are one of my favorite things.

7. Just Dance 2 (the Wii game)- Bsarita bought it after Christmas and we played it for a solid 4 hours. I don't think I've done anything for 4 straight hours since I was in school, and it felt amazing. I'm pretty uncoordinated, which made it surprisingly more fun. I should post videos I took of Bkristen, Bchristie, Bsarita, Bdanielle, and Bannie, buutttt I'm too nice of a person.

8. Twitter- though I've been on Twitter for some time now, I have a new appreciation for it after I converted 3 new tweeps. Spreading the word and the advantages to this social media outlet should count as a job and I feel I should be paid...but, since I get a lot out of Twitter, I don't mind giving back a little bit. All I gotta say is, Twitter may be my only news outlet these days, take note

9. Primetime OnDemand- streaming "30 Rock" straight to your TV? Yes please! Though I'm never sure if I'm watching the most recent season or just some oldies, I still get to watch the shows I want whenever i want. Pretty sweet.

10. People who give me interviews- Though I have yet to procured a job, I enjoy when people give me interviews. It's nice to get an interview every now and then just to keep me searching... when can you apply for unemployment? I hear you have to have a job first, but does several unsuccessful interviews work?

2011, what can I say? It's been a real two weeks, now give me some of the same for the next 50!