Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Dear Friends...I'm Sorry

I have been super neglectful of my blog as of late, and you know that means I've been busy in the best way: hustlin' like none other. I have composed at top 15 (since it's been far too long since my last entry) of my life as of late. They all funny. Enjoy.

15. Homeless people: in the past few days, I've felt especially gifty. You know how it is, you just want to surprise your loved ones with presents, and since I'm far from my family, I've taken homeless people as my next of kin. I feel like they are all my kindred spirits because they are taking my kind of hustling to the next level. None of their money is taxed, they roam where the wind takes them, they also skip baths occasionally aka my favorite type of life. Well, in my new jobness and employment, I've decided to give back to the people who taught me the most. A homeless man sat near me while I was eating my sandwich and talking to Bpotter on my lunch break. I immediately thought, he needs something aka my apple. Now this kindly man took my apple and scampered off. I was so happy that he too felt our connection that I then tried the next day with another garbage diver who appeared to be in need of an apple. He rudely declined my other apple and looked at me like I was nutz. First off, it was a fantastic apple that I later ate. Second off, I wanted to say "Sir, you just ate a cheeto out of an open bag in the trash, this apple is clean and I just showered, take it." He was not having it. Still buzzing off my first homeless man, so I wanted to try just one more time with a man outside the failing Borders. I went in, bought some discount chocolate thinking, "This dude is about to have the best surprise!" I walk out and tell this panhandler, "I don't have any cash, but I have this chocolate that you can have!" Maybe I was too excited, or he had a bad experience as a child with a stranger in a car, but he would NOT take my chocolate. I mean c'mon. Am I that shady looking that even the homeless will not take my goods? Long story long, I'm done. We are over, homeless of DC. If you want some of my goodies ever again, you're going to have to be nicer.

14. Possible jumper- This one happened today, so it's supah fresh. Apparently I'm attracting crazy life events and this includes stumbling upon a possible jumper off the parking deck outside my building. I walked out for my usual eat alone outside time, and the cops are crawling and there is this apparent body on the ground beside the parking deck. Mess gets nutz and tons of 5 ohs run up and there is some crime scene tape. I'm like "Whoa, had I left for lunch 5 minutes earlier, I coulda been traumatized"...this isn't so much funny as shocking, so I will have to update you all when I get the final deets on this.

12. Free food- I'm starting to notice a trend amongst my few numbers thus far and that is that though I am now employed, I've become more of a moocher and vagabond than before. Someone always brings food into the office and all I can do is stuff my face for days off these bagels and apples. In addition to skeezing off this food, I've been accompanying Berica and Bhadley to a Bible study for the sole reason of obtaining free, kosher food. Protestant really are the best givers and as a Catholic, I've become the best receiver of their free food. I'm waiting to either be asked to stop eating someone's food at work or be asked to convert...both of which I may be willing to do if the price is right aka ice cream cake.

11. STD Pizza- now don't let the name fool you, the pizza has not been tested but my brother has warned me that I may have syphilis from a stranger pizza I procured on a night out. In order to make myself stop, I asked my friends to not let me take peoples' pizza anymore. We went out one night and we really craving some Jumbo Slice but didn't want to wait, so I asked a walker with a box if I could grab a bite of his pizza. At first, my girls were straight and said, "No don't do that!" Then I said, "I want it!" and they caved. As soon as I took the bite and the giver was off, I grabbed the bite out of my mouth and threw it on the ground yelling, "THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU FAILED!" So much for good friends...note to self, friends don't let friends eat possibly STD pizza....ever.

10. Contact drunk- For Lent, I've given up all drinking. It's been quite a test since I'm both Irish and Catholic, but my schoolgirl guilt has helped me stay on the straight and narrow...that and my new discovery- contact drunkenness. I have gone out a few times with people who were partaking in the sauce and I have refrained, but somehow by the end of the night, I still feel the effects. I have broken out in harmony with some R&B on the radio, talked to strangers about life, and even said hello to people in the subway, all things people do not do when they are drinking just Dr. Pepper. Perhaps it was the aspertame high from drinking a full 2 liter of diet cherry Dr. Pepper, or maybe people's BACs are transmitted through their breath, but I'm on to something. You should try it, be sober at a bar and breath, it's weird.

9. Are you...?- On the night of the infamous first B&E, I remet a person. I had done some volunteer mess at school before degreeing and met quite a few people, apparently some I did not remember. A woman reached through me and Bsarita to get a drink and had UNC on her shirt so we began talking to her about the school and she said she was in the nursing school. I said, "Whoa! I know someone in that! Do you know Nicki White?" there was a pause, a glare, and some recognition as she said, "I am Nicki White." I then stopped breathing. Now, I've made some misrecogntions in my life, but that was epic. I was very embarrassed but we ended up taking a photo up with Nicki and her boyfriend all night and it was fabulous. Nicki and I are now biffles.

8. Air mattress- What can I say? I'm living on an air mattress.

7. Sister Wives- if homelessness and slightly employed-dom doesn't work out for me, I've decided my next phase is as a sister wife. Berica and I watched "The 19th Wife" on Saturday (big night, obvi) and I realized, how great would that be? You can have a ton of kids and shirk your responsibilities on these other chicks because they believe they are their kids too. You get to wear the same outfit every day and it's not even considered a uniform. You don't have to pay for make up, a hair cut, and you get to rock the Jersey Shore bump-it look. You are automatically dating a baller because how else could he afford 19 friggin wives and tons of children? I'm not seeing a whole lot wrong with this, it all looks sound except the illegality of it.

6. Working- this is a weird topic because it goes against my beliefs, but apparently everyone does it. It is kind of nice having a pay check regularly, the downside being taxes that I won't see for another year. My job ain't all that bad and I feel like a real sort of adult now, aside from the number 8 factor.

5. An old lady- So, most people that work in my building are old, let's face it, most of the US is old now. I have to take the elevator and once I was on it with one such a lady. I was wearing an especially fuzzy coat and was feeling nice and warm. The woman noted my comfort and my jacket. She says, "That jacket looks so warm, may I pet you?" Normally, I don't mind people petting me, but it was weird to be asked prior to the action. Since I didn't know her, I was surprised at her candor, but was more than obliged to allow the pet. She was amazed by the softness, and kept the petting within a reasonable time frame. I have not seen her again, but I expect some more elevator action.

4. Loons- They are everywhere, but especially in DC. They all beat the "Rack 'Em" guy from Athens. Just saying, institutionalization couldn't have been that bad.

3. I'm not 15 anymore- So despite my keen liking for climbing trees, eating baby food, and watching an occasional Degrassi, I am no longer a child and cannot act like one. I came to this harsh conclusion recently after a riveting game of tennis with Berica. The courts were near an elementary school that included a playground. After doing a few flips on the monkey bars, climbing a tree and swinging, we went to climb on the jungle gym. It seemed simple enough, we could reach the top with ease and safely come down in just a few steps when as children, this wouldn't have been such an easy feat. As we approached a weird looking slide thing, I started to climb but missed a step due to my aging depth perception and caught my foot in a hole and as my body fell, my foot twisted and then I fell to the ground. As it turns out, I have a hairline fracture. Much to my dismay and assumption that I had tendinitis (another old person ailment), I have realized my 23 year old body is becoming brittle and it's time to face the facts: I need to start taking vitamins if I want to commit to fitness and avoid osteoporosis. was just 8 (whoa, has it been that long?) years ago I had never injured a this. Ugh old age.

2. No key- Somehow after a month of no key nor keypass to get into the apartment, I still have yet to be asked if I actually live here. I fumble in my bag, I say I left my keys upstairs, or my friend Bmark (the doorman) lets me in and somehow, I haven't been caught for not really living here. All in all, I'd say I'm the sketchiest person and fully deserved that award 3 years in a row in my sorority.

1. Razors- WARNING: faint of heart, stop reading! I had a run in with some razors the first weekend I was living with Berica and Bhadley. Maybe I'm just clumsy as #3 may allude to, or maybe I need Life Alert but I slipped in the bathtub as I was reaching for a towel and as I fell on my back, I threw my elbow out to try and catch myself but unfortunately for me, a few razors were upturned and my elbow of course fell upon them resulting in immense bleeding. I hate hate hate blood and am easily faint, so I immediately fetaled myself on the floor and tried to stop it from bleeding. Long story long and hopefully less gory, I have a righteous scar and I do not feel like shelling out $30 for Maderma to get rid of it, so I'm full open to suggestions for a better story for the scar aside from my inherent clumsiness and lack of coordination.

There you have it, the long awaited, the long winded, version of my recent life. Yes, I skipped #13, not because in addition to bone mass I'm losing my mind, but because I'm superstitious and more truthfully, couldn't think of another thing to write. Stone me for laziness if you may, but do try to enjoy the remaining 14 points!